i just needed to get away last night to clear my head. as i was getting reading to leave, feeling terrible about myself for having to, matt gently said to me: "val, you're not a failure -- you're weak." his words penetrated my heart, in a good way, because i knew what he meant. instantly the Spirit within me resonated with what he was saying and something in my paradigm shifted.
along with the thought of being a failure come feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, and drowning in despair. it leaves me feeling like i am in a pit from which i cannot escape, and distant from God. yet, the thought of being weak brings with it a sense of hope, because i know in my heart of hearts that that is a place where Jesus can be truly real to me if i meet him there. (not that Jesus can't also meet me in my failure -- it's just that the change in wording helped me see it differently.)
how easily we forget those famous words: "for the sake of Christ, then, i am content with weaknesses (etc)... for when i am weak, then i am strong." (2 Cor 12:10) how easily we project other notions of what it means to be great or successful. i don't have to look very far to feel like i am not accomplishing enough or measuring up in order to be considered a "good" mom, wife, Christian, or whatever. yet, when i think about what i truly desire in this life, it is not about being a good person (which i'm not) or having all of my theology crisply ironed (which i don't) -- it is simply about pointing to Jesus, to a power and a love so much greater than myself.
in that case, i guess matt's words to me last night should be a great encouragement -- being weak, being at the end of myself, is actually a good place to be.
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." -Jesus (2 Cor 12:9)
2 comments:
thanks for the post Val. I've been having a few days in a row like that! It's so easy to get down on yourself when all you do is repeat the same chores over and over and over...
Hang in there. I will too. :)
sara
You are NOT alone. Don't forget that. We all struggle. One thing God showed me a while back was that I was listening to the lies from the enemy on a daily basis, and that's what was really getting me down. His biggest lie? That I'm a failure. Still working through that one on a regular basis. I'll pray for you.
Love,
Terri
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